Here’s an iPhone conversation via it’s text function with my ex-wife, Kimberly, back when we were in love. Watch this escalate into a Tracy/Hepburn movie or an episode of Law and Order.

I asked her to review some of my recent tweets (Twitter updates), and so it starts.

Kimberly: I like stupid police chief, politician affair, Halloween costume, lying about the meteor, diet cola, vomiting models, balloon boy as Anne Frank and trailer trash. There.

Me: Hell, you could have just said you liked them all. Btw, You forgot the one about Avery that you said you liked over the phone.
Kimberly: I didn’t forget Avery’s. I told you about it on the phone, so there was no need to include it in the written report.

Me: So you admit your written report wasn’t thorough?

Kimberly: No, I admit nothing of the sort. It was fully thorough. You were trying to say that it was missing a tweet, and I was merely pointing out that the tweet in question had already been adequately communicated.

Me: Sidebar… “Your honor, I’ve had it with Mrs. Godwin’s blatant disregard for the law. How do you rule?” (he whispers me his ruling) That’s what I thought. The judge said the oral agreement was predicated on the premise that you, the defendant, who is representing herself would give me a WRITTEN report on what you thought of my Twitter updates, regardless of your previous oral thoughts on one particular tweet. Gavel smack… “Dismissed!”

Kimberly: Why would he whisper his ruling to YOU at a sidebar? Is this court some sort of “Boy’s Club”? I demand a retrial!

Me: The Judge whispered for one simple reason, that the truth should never be shouted, for it’s message is a subtle, fact-based nod between intelligent people. Liars yell, so that their madness is disguised by sheer volume.

Kimberly: That sounds like something a Christian would say. Are you and your judge boyfriend Jesus freaks?

Me: No, just lovers… of justice.

Kimberly: If you are a true lover of justice then you should be ashamed of yourself. You know you’re wrong and I’m being persecuted without cause.

Me: All I’m ashamed of is being engaged in this mental duel. In the battle of wits, I have the experience and fire power of the United States and you are… Guam. I love Guam, it may be tiny and relatively new, but it’s a beautiful place with potential and heart.

Kimberly: But apparently a stupid, tiny, new, beautiful place with potential and heart.

Me: Inexperience is sometimes diagnosed falsely as stupidity.

Kimberly: I love you

Me: I love you too.